I Hate Human Resources

"Toby Flenderson is everything that is wrong with the paper industry..." -Michael Scott, The Office

At work, nobody likes their boss. Bosses suck. Your boss has to get production out of you, so they have to be somewhat nice to you, as well as be a complete corporate douche.

The trolls from Human Resources are by far the most evil corporate incarnation imaginable. Their title implies that they are a resource for humans should you need anybody resourceful. Brilliant title - because it's a ruse! Their job has nothing to do with helping you. Their job has everything to do with finding better ways to fuck you.

If you work for a small enough company/office/firm that doesn't need the "assistance" of a Human Resources department, well then great, stay there for eternity. Human Resources are employed generally by larger corporate firms, and their charge is to make sure no one in the company says anything that could implicate them in a lawsuit, and to make sure that all employees use vacation and personal time when they want a long holiday weekend. If you have an actual problem your WORST bet is to go to these morons. First of all, they're horrible unhappy people (I could be generalizing but I don't care, because they don't) and they hate the fact that they have to work at all.

Go to HR for assistance and get ready for a series of grumbles and shuffling of papers, to invariably find that they reach for a specific sentence in some retarded employee manual/handbook. This sentence they are referencing has nothing to do with anything, but somehow negates your issue and anything you might say. This sentence could be construed and misconstrued a million times over, but to these beasts of the HR dungeon, it means only one thing and they want you out of their stupid cubicle so they can finish their McDonald's Apple Pie.

You are a busy employee, so you don't have time for this shit - so when you have a problem you will send the HR idiots an email. They will respond within 30 seconds saying "Please see me in my office." They don't want anything in writing that hasn't gone through the committee for approving verbiage, the committee for corporate messaging, and then the committee directing the assistance of human resources. Before you get anything in writing from an HR representative, it will have gone through light years of red tape. All you wanted to say was that the last time you went to take a shit there wasn't any TP available. Three weeks later after you've long forgotten whatever issue you have, you might get an email saying "We are currently looking into resolving this issue. Thank you."

Never talk to a Human Resource Rep. about one of your superiors. They don't work for you (which is what is implied but is completely not true), they work FOR your superiors and WITH your superiors. Anything you say in confidence to them will 90% of the time be translated word for word. Layoff time, "oh, well BuDaMan came to me and said you have nasty breath - not coffee related, just like ass. '...breath is like pure ass, almost all of the time...' were his words exactly." Awesome.

So who do you go to when you have a problem at the office? How, if you are not supposed to burn any bridges, do you resolve your issues without hurting anyones feelings?

The answer is, "You Are Fucked." Sorry pal. Suck it up, you've got no recourse whatsoever. Just like a marriage, put your head down, grin and bear it, and pretend like everything is okay - smile and nod.

So FUCK HUMAN RESOURCES. No one is looking out for you but yourself. Human Resources more than anyone out there is looking to find different ways to fuck you. Maybe we should all have Human Resources Appreciation Day, where we fuck with them all day. If I have to take one more benefits survey to determine how the company can best save money (and fuck me more), I'm just going to lose it.