BuDaMan, you are the most neurotic and paranoid dude, quite possibly ever. What's wrong with you?
You'll be happy to know that I think the same thing pretty much every second of my life. I know I'm a psycho. I'm not normal. I don't think in the normal way. But your employer has no god damn right to have any idea what your health situation is like. Period.
Your employer provides you with shitty health insurance, so they probably think they have the right to know what your health situation is like. Here's the deal - They have the right to dick.
So obviously I'm paranoid, and probably have one too many conspiracy theories, but I'm sorry, when I got the email that you will see below, I borderline freaked out.
Biometric All-In-One Screenings
Will be Held in the GENERIC CITY Office
On Tuesday, November 17th, 2009
10:00 am – 12:30 pm
Biometric Complete – Includes Testing for Total Cholesterol, HDL, LDL, Triglycerides, TC/HDL Ratio, Glucose, Blood Pressure, Body Fat & BMI
► These screenings are performed using the finger-stick test and results are generated in approximately 3 minutes for the blood work, with about 4 minutes for the Blood Pressure and BMI resulting in a total test time of 7 – 8 minutes per person.
► On-site cholesterol and glucose screening analyzes drops of blood from a finger-stick to determine Total Cholesterol (TC), HDL (good) Cholesterol, TC/HDL Ratio, LDL (Bad) Cholesterol, Triglycerides (Fat) and/or Glucose (Blood Sugar).
► TC, HDL, Ratio, and Glucose are accurate and can be evaluated without fasting. However, you must fast for LDL and Triglyceride results to be accurate. You are not required to fast for this screening; the non-fasting test still gives us good information with accurate TC, HDL, Ratio, etc., which allows us to get a general idea of what your LDL and Triglycerides might be. But, if you know you are "borderline" or have "bad" cholesterol, it is most useful to have accurate LDL and Triglyceride results, for which OHD does recommend fasting.
Additional Details Regarding Scheduling to Follow
Almost immediately I emailed my HR troll who sent this out. I said "Bitch, what is this for?" Okay, I didn't say bitch, but I used her name. For purposes of anonymity, I'll use bitch, which perfectly describes this monstrosity, in lieu of her horrendous name with stupid spelling. Bitch responds with this...
We are offering this service as part of a wellness campaign for our employees.
Really? FUCK YOU! Do me a favor are you? BULLSHIT TO THAT! You are trying to get our information about how fucking unhealthy we are so you can up premiums and say because we're fat fucks! Don't think for a single god dammed second that I'm not onto you - that's right, YOU! CORPORATE AMERICA!
Wellness campaign my ass. It's either that they're trying to get information out of us, or they're trying to whore out our health information for their personal gain. They can have a private company come in to pay the company money so they can sell their findings to insurance companies. So bunk to this shit, I say. If I want to know what my Body Mass Index is, I'll either have my doctor take the tests and give them to me, or I'll add and subtract the appropriate numbers myself. Jesus. See Here!
Don't be fooled by this stuff my friends. Corporate America is looking for every possible way to cut corners - beware open enrollment time periods, especially when they coincide with BMI SCREENINGS! I'm onto you, you bastards, and now the BuDa-Nation* will know too.
*I'll come up with something better than BuDa-Nation, especially since I'm ripping it almost term-for-term from Stephen Colbert. If I'm part of the Colbert Nation, and then I've started my own BuDa-Nation, does that mean the BuDa-Nation is actually just a BuDa-City-State within the greater country that is the Colbert Nation? Hmm.... What's my capital you say? Your mom!
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