I won't make any bones about it - I'm not religious. I was raised Catholic, and now I'm a bad Catholic. I know a lot of bad Catholic's, but most bad Catholic's go to every Easter, and every other Christmas Eve mass. Me? I'm done. So I guess I'm a really bad Catholic. For all technical purposes, I'm actually Agnostic. I may not necessarily be able to prove God exists or doesn't exist, but I can assure you that there is a lifetime of scarring thanks to the enlightenment I received growing up.
I am most familiar with Catholicism, but from time to time in my religious rants I may stumble across other religions. I would apologize for my possible future ignorance, but it's your own ignorance that you should probably be apologizing for anyway, so we should both let it slide.
What I don't get is that a book written thousands of years ago, and written over thousands of years, can be regarded as absolute truth by modern day followers. THE WORD OF GOD! FYI dumbass, those aren't a god's words, nor are they Jesus's words - they're interpretations of interpretations of interpretations. For all you know the Gideons could be fucking with all of us! The actual bible was written in ancient Hebrew, and has been difficult to translate on a 1-to-1 basis, so explain to me how we have moron's in America talking about the word of god, and "What Would Jesus Do?"
What WOULD Jesus Do? Well, there are really only a few options (all of which are told through third parties, so let's call The Bible The Biography from here on out, shall we?) that we have to choose from. He would turn water into wine, turn a meager amount of fish into enough to feed a village, wash other peoples feet, whittle something, marry a hooker, fast in the desert and let your serotonin levels go off the charts at which time you'll have hallucinations (for forty days and nights), find an army of loyal servants to carry on your wishes for thousands of years after you're gone, pass some bread around, and of course your final option, sacrifice yourself and die for all the sins of mankind. I don't know, last I checked, marrying a hooker was downright impossible - in Pretty Woman all she wanted to do was sleep with the guy!
At a quick glance, it doesn't appear as though you can readily apply anything of what Jesus actually did to your everyday problems. I mean, nowadays, most people in our country barely know how to fish let alone carve something out of wood. It looks like we're all shit out of luck with this "following Jesus" business. I think that what I'm saying is actually more logical than what most fanatical Biography believer are actually thinking. Isn't this the point, to understand that we are mere human and that the dude Jesus was not?
I don't believe that God created man in his image, I think man created god in HIS image - we're all narcissists. Any Biography thumpers are all hypocrites. Why would a god make us have one purpose on Earth, and have the means to that end be a sin? It's fucking ludicrous, that's why! We naturally evolved to this form, and nature (the genius bitch that she is) made fucking feel good so we'd want to do it. If it hurt, or was unpleasant in any way, we'd have died off a long time ago. "You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel." Damn right - I'll bite you, claw at you, and mount and dismount you with a loud roar in about 15 seconds - enjoy the ride baby!
Really quickly before I eventually quite possibly get back on topic maybe - God created Adam, Eve was created from one of Adam's rib bones. Eve is actually some perverse clone of Adam, but they get it going anyway. They give birth to Cain and Abel. FYI, they're both dudes, so no matter the way you swing this, one of them is fucking their mom to keep this retarded race going, MOVING ALONG! Cain kills Abel, is forced to wander the desert, tramples through Yemen, eventually marries his sister Awan, and gives birth to Adam's grandson Enoch. If Cain is banging his sister, that sister is either fathered by him, his brother he killed, or his father. Incest is one of the baddest sins you can perform, and apparently our Biography and Man's beginning is littered with dirty, retard-making, sins.
I wouldn't have as big a problem with religion if it weren't for the hypocrisy of the people running these organizations - "Practice What You Preach". Seriously Preacher, stop stroking my balls, it's making me uncomfortable. The Church is one of the richest institutions in the world... and they don't pay taxes. GET ON TOP OF THIS DEMOCRATS! Give them money, great, they keep it. These fucks don't fill out W-2's or anything! Oh you see that giant ball up there that looks like a yellow gumdrop? Yeah, it's actually 20 feet high and solid gold. I could have painted it gold, but we can afford it, so why the hell not?! Why don't you feed some of those needy kids you're preaching so much about?! You're on notice Benedict, if that's your real name (which I know it's not)... sell some of those gold balls, and put a price on some of your priceless pieces of art! If Jesus is everywhere we shouldn't have to show up to your Rococo styled abode and pay you money to tell us shit we can read ourselves and do ourselves anywhere anyways!
WRAP IT UP: So if Jesus is "seated a the right hand of the father", and "cleanliness is next to godliness", who the fuck is cleanliness? Jesus was a poor carpenter, and died in pretty dirty conditions, no way it's him. Also, I don't like this idea of cleanliness sitting on the left of THE Big Papi. Left handedness is the sign of the devil, which is evil. Maybe I shouldn't bathe. Is cleanliness the "holy mother", Mary? Nah, can't be. She usually stands behind the two of them in all those pictures, right? What about the Holy Ghost? He doesn't get so much play anymore. Maybe it's him. Or is that the Holy Spirit? How are the Holy Ghost and Spirit different, or are they the same? Why after calling the Ghost/Spirit thing (let's just go with Apparition) one name for thousands of years would you change it now, it just confuses things! What about Joseph? Maybe he's cleanliness. No way - he was dirtier than everybody. That must have sucked to have been him. Everyone thought he banged Mary, but he never got around to it. Treated like a heathen, but never getting any part of the goods - shit, the dude WAS a saint!
So many parts of the Biography contradict one another, but so many stupid people in this world look at one specific line and accept that line as undeniable truth. "What Would Jesus Do?" Probably would have done something really cool, and nothing close to the crap you're about to pull. So Catholicism is the one correct religion, right? There are few other religions out there today that feel the same way, and a few more from the past that we know are wrong, and they felt that way too. You try and tell an ancient Greek that burning Ox bones in the 6th Century BC for the god Demeter wouldn't actually help your crops grow. Go ahead, you go tell them that.
PARADOX: So as a Catholic we believe that Jesus died for our sins to save us from the Devil. BAD ASS! And that dude is coming back?! NO WAY! BADDER ASS! Someone walks up to you today and says, "I'm Jesus, you should follow me and listen to what I say." What would you do? It sure doesn't look like the pictures... That's because Jesus was Middle Eastern, dumbass. I truly believe that if Jesus were to come back to Earth, he wouldn't take a form we "Catholic's" would know, and chances are history would repeat itself. If Jesus came back no one would believe he was actually Jesus, that's too unbelievable. It's probably because we don't believe enough, us "Bad Catholics". He would be murdered. Maybe it's already happened, and maybe it's already spawned a new religion, who knows! So the next time you feel a little animosity towards someone of Jewish decent, maybe you want to go a little easy on them. My take on Jesus? Great character in a book, decent character for the silver screen - personally, I want a sitcom.
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